Warning – raising awareness in progress!

He had a good innings!

She’s in a better place now.

He isn’t suffering anymore.

She lived a full life.

Everything happens for a reason.

At least you know you can conceive.

At least you have other children.

He wouldn’t have felt any pain.

There are plenty more fish in the sea.

You’re young, you’ve got a whole life ahead of you.

Time heals all wounds.

I’m glad you were with her when she passed.

At least you got to say goodbye.

It must have been God’s plan.

He wasn’t good enough for you anyway.

Be strong.

Have you ever caught yourself saying any of these or had any said to you when you’ve spoken to someone grieving or experienced a loss yourself? Did they help that person/you? How did they/you react? My guess is that the majority of people hearing them would just smile politely in the moment but deep down they’d be feeling quite the opposite.

They are called “unhelpful one-liners.”

Read them again, if you were grieving would these bring you comfort or just make you feel something else? A person dying at the age of 82 may have had a ‘good innings’ but it doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to be here anymore. A friend who died after a battle with cancer may not be suffering anymore but it doesn’t mean they are in a better place – ‘here’ is the place they should be! Living a “full life” to the age of 44 doesn’t make a person’s death easier to deal with, what about the other 44 years, watching their children grow up and see through the plans you had made together!

Why do we say them? What do they really mean and where do these cliches and misguided ideas come from?

It may be because we are uncomfortable with other people’s emotional pain; our religious beliefs or they could just be ideas that have been ingrained in us over the years. We’ve probably heard our parents say them to others, heard them being used on the television, in church etc. Google “things to say to a griever” it’s quite astonishing how many of the things listed above are suggestions on how to talk to someone that is experiencing loss.

Our brains have recorded and stored everything we have seen, smelt, tasted, heard and touched from the day we were born so repeatedly hearing these ideas and expressions leaves us and the griever believing that they must be true and adhered to.

So, what should we say?

A genuine:

I’m sorry

I’m here for you – you are not alone.

Please share some of your favourite memories

It’s ok to feel ____

How can I help you?

It sounds like you’re struggling, what can I do?

You don’t have to talk – I’ll sit with you

It bloody (or any other cuss) sucks!

He was a wonderful guy – I remember when he …

I have no words

Do not hold back the tears – it’s ok to cry

It’s important that you don’t feel guilty about using any of these unhelpful one-liners in the past, most of us have, including me. What I’m hoping is that this can help us think about how to speak to someone that is suffering from a loss whether that be a divorce, stillborn baby, miscarriage, an old relative dying or a family pet.

Before you say anything, just take a breath and think – is what I’m about to say going to help that person?

Can you think of any unhelpful on-liners, or do you have any words that you use when you speak to someone that’s grieving?