HELP!!

If you need anything just let me know.

Give me a call.

I’m here whenever you need.

Don’t hesitate to ask!

We’ve all said these things, and I’m pretty sure when you’ve said them you meant every word. It’s so hard to know how to help someone that’s grieving especially if you haven’t been through it yourself. That said, everyone grieves differently so no two people will be the same. It’s a bit of a minefield. So, I’m going to speak from my personal experience and tell you what helped me the most in those first few months. They aren’t listed in any particular order, just things that pop into my head as I write this.

Mum – she moved in with me until after Christmas – I didn’t really have a choice – but she was a massive help even if sometimes it was just to have someone to sob unconsolably on!

Messages – I was open about Ben’s death and wrote a Facebook post the day after he died – I didn’t do it for sympathy but boy did those messages from friends and family help. And, I still read through them now! Such lovely messages, some saying lovely things about Ben, some just to say we were in people’s thoughts. They made me cry, and some still do, but I took great comfort from them.

Food – the parents in my daughter’s class were amazing. I was very very fortunate to receive lots of delicious ready meals for me and the children to put in the freezer. This was a god send for me. It gave me one less thing to worry/think about and meant we were still eating wholesome food which was so important.

Care packages – they came from far and wide – across the seas in fact. Gifts for the children to play with, self-care for me, things for the house, chocolates and much more. It gave the children something to be excited about, it gave me time to think about how to look after myself – I had long soaks in the bath with relaxing bubble bath, cozy socks to wear around the house – I felt loved and cared for by people who couldn’t be with me physically.

Visitors – this might not be for everyone but I just loved having visitors. I loved being able to speak to people about Ben. People also wanted to know what happened. We all do. I was able to tell them. I said the story over and over again but it didn’t bother me, I found it quite cathartic. It almost always made me cry, and the friends I was telling it to, but I needed it as part of my healing.

Grief admin – again, not something for everyone, but my sister stayed for a few days after Ben died and did all the helpful admin that has to be done when someone dies. She sorted lots of household accounts that were in Ben’s name and got them transferred over to mine, she completed the “tell us once” service which informs most government services of a death in one go. She wrote things down in a list of what I had to do. I still have that list – don’t worry, I’ve completed it!

Cards – I still have them, I still read them, I received some beautiful cards with the most wonderful messages. They brought so much comfort.

Doorstep hugs – one of my favourite memories was my friend Emma turning up just to give me a hug, a quick hug on her way to work. I watched this back on my ring doorbell after she passed away and felt so grateful to have someone who was just thinking about me and wanted to give me a surprise hug!

Doorstep gifts – little care packages again that were almost treated as a knock and run! I found it quite funny getting to the door and no one was there but looked down to see something special for me and the children.

Ben conversations – I wanted people to talk about Ben, I hated that we were talking about him in the past tense but I loved talking about him and still do. I wish people would talk about him more or that people who didn’t know him would ask me more about him. I may have moved forward in my life but he was a massive part of my past that has contributed to who I am today, and most importantly the children need to hear others talk about him, Theodore will often ask “did they know my daddy?”.

Childcare – This was a hard one as Evie suffered massively from separation anxiety – and sometimes she had to be peeled off me – but friends would often invite her out for the day and this was great for both of us in so many ways.

Dog walkers – Fitting in a dog walk on top of everything else was so tricky some days, in fact MJ went to live with my father-in-law for a few weeks when I was really struggling!

Coffee dates – I had many, but I loved getting out of the house and sitting with friends and listening to them talk about what was going on in their lives. Sometimes we’d cry but a lot of the time we would laugh/share/reminisce – it was a form of therapy!

“Blue job” helpers – well, I used to call them “blue jobs” but thanks to google I’ve learned to do quite a lot of things by myself, but I was grateful to the friends and family who were able to teach me how to use a drill/change a dimmer switch/pick up an exercise bike in a van/fix my loft hatch opener thingy (this I couldn’t learn myself as I didn’t have a welding machine thingy)!!

This isn’t by any means the end of my list and please don’t be offended if I’ve missed out something you did for me – I’m sure you know how grateful I am for everything. My friends and family were so important to us, and still are, but remember, even if someone looks like they are doing ok, it may just be a cover up for how it is actually going. Remember I said about looking like a duck – elegant on top of the water, paddling like hell underneath?!!

So, here a few pointers to people on the outside on how you can help someone who is grieving (again, it is not an exhaustive list, just a few that spring to mind):

Message/call them – let them know you are thinking of them!

DON’T expect them to ask for help – it’s something I’ve got a little bit better at but I HATED asking for help – Just pick up the phone or message and say – Can I take the children out for a few hours tomorrow? Can I bring you some food round later, I’ve made an extra cottage pie?! Can we go for a coffee please, I’d love to catch up with you!

Send cards/letters – messages on phones can sometimes get lost amongst all the other messages!

Send care packages – helpful things, not things that will gather dust – warm socks, hot chocolate stirrers, costa vouchers, bubble bath – you get the idea!

As tempting as it may be – think before you send flowers – a person only has so many vases!

Don’t cross the street or avoid people – expect they may cry if you bump into them but that’s ok!! Don’t make them feel even more crap than they already are!

Invite them out on your family days out if they have kids, and even if they don’t – not every single one but the odd one – don’t always just offer to take the kids, invite the adult too – it’s a really nice distraction for a few hours in the day and lovely to have company outside the house.

Invite them over for lunch/supper – sometimes we just don’t want to eat by ourselves – also the children only have so much conversation at the dinner table.

Be patient, don’t give up on them – keep offering – even 3 years down the line!!

If they haven’t asked for help or seem like they’ve got their s#*t together it may just be that they don’t want to bother you.

See point number one – this is true FOREVER!

What can you think of that’s helped you through tough times?