First the Worst

“The first birthday/anniversary/Christmas is always the hardest, you just need to get the first year out of the way!” A phrase I heard so many times after Ben died. Yes they were hard but they weren’t by any means the hardest! Every time a first of something crept up on me I felt sick with dread. He died in the November and on the first of December we put up our Christmas tree without him. Our first “first”. I cried my eyes out. Guess what, I also cried in December ‘22 and December ‘23 because he was supposed to be there with us, lifting Evie up to put the star on top to the tree as he always did.

Today marks our 10 year wedding anniversary, what a milestone that would have been. On the first anniversary without Ben I took the children away on holiday with my brother and his little family. We raised a glass to Ben and shared something special we remembered about him and I sobbed. Guess what happened in August ‘23?! Yep, I cried! Because HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE CELEBRATING WITH ME!!!

The day he died was the end to all our hopes and dreams for the future. Yes, the firsts are hard but they never end! The first time Evie swam a full length of the swimming pool I lifted my phone to text him, then it dawned on me that the one person who would feel the same things I did about that achievement wasn’t there to share it with me! He would never see the first time of anything his children did. Our son starts school in September, no one will understand that feeling for Theodore like Ben and I do because we made him, he is a part of both of us. People can feel happy/proud etc about these firsts but won’t feel it like us. And, here comes the kicker, they will continue for the rest of our lives! For as long as we live, Ben won’t be here to see these things: birthdays, sporting/academic achievements, new homes, weddings, grandchildren.

The same goes for my dad, he’s missed 6 more grandchildren being born, 2 weddings, too many Christmas mornings (his most favourite time of the year), and so much more! The sadness never goes away.

I just want you to know that if you have lost someone, and the anniversaries of things are still hard and very sad, that’s OK! One year may be no different to 5 years. Feeling sad is 100% OK! You do not have to suck it up and be strong! Let those tears flow if you feel them coming. My only hope is that the people on the outside who think “well it’s been 3 years, why is she still crying?” NEVER have to experience grief like that. Grief is unique to each and every person. It has no timeline and doesn’t follow a linear patter. I don’t actually want the sadness to go, I love Ben and my dad, I miss them and I will feel like that for the rest of my life BUT the pain is no longer there. I have learned to live without them in my presence and have found ways to communicate with them beyond their deaths.

I think you’re already establishing that my posts contain personal experiences and I think for me that’s important because I want to show you that I have managed to move forward from an unbelievably heartbreaking event. I want anyone reading this to know that it is possible to breathe again without feeling immense pain.

I’m here to help

What are the hardest times of year for you?