Sunshine and Rainbows

Have you ever heard the term “Don’t speak ill of the dead?” It’s a strange one isn’t it?! It’s our way of showing respect to someone that has died by not saying anything bad about them. We can almost idolise people that have passed on…

“She was the best mum, she did everything for everyone!”

“He was the most amazing, attentive husband, he didn’t put a foot wrong.”

“She was an amazing friend, always there when I needed her.”

Do you see what I’m saying? I know this is true for me. Yes, Ben was an incredible husband, he always cooked the most amazing food, would always encourage me, he was loving, attentive and adored me! He was a very hands-on dad, always getting the children involved in the things he was doing around the house, he read them bedtime stories (with so much more animation than me) most nights, always bathed the children and did everything for them with a smile on his face. For others, from what I saw and heard, nothing was ever too much trouble for him. He would help anyone who needed it even if it meant sacrificing a day off work, he’d support people with new ventures, he would always find something in common with everyone and would make them feel included.

But, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. If we think a bit harder about our relationships with people that have died, we will see that it wasn’t smooth running 100% of the time. People argue, disagree, fall out, get cross, frustrated, shout, cry, etc, in relationships. I know Ben and I did! Sometimes we’d tell each other why we were annoyed, other times we’d give each other the silent treatment. Sometimes we’d do things that the other person didn’t agree with. Sometimes we’d be resentful when things didn’t go our way. There are so many emotions present in all relationships. If you don’t ever encounter these hurdles then you are very lucky people.

However, for those times that we don’t communicate our feelings and bottle them up, resentment/anger/regret may remain. This can also be true of positive emotions. The things we didn’t say that we should have. Maybe, when it’s a sudden death, you’d wished you’d said that you loved them one more time, or that you’re sorry for shouting at them for leaving their socks on the sofa! These are called ‘undelivered communications’ and they can really hurt to the point that they can cause some negative physiological and psychological effects. Leaving them to fester long term is not good for our bodies or minds. In fact, it can really impact our chances to move forwards in our grief journey.

Luckily for me, through my own therapy, I was able to communicate these to both Ben and my dad after their passing. I’ve also been able to communicate them to people that are alive, without causing any upset in our relationships, to move forward from negative actions that were making me feel emotional pain.

If you’ve ever heard of Chris and Rosy Ramsey’s podcast ‘Sh**ged, Married, Annoyed’ you will be familiar with the term “What’s your beef?” This is where they air their frustrations with each other, about each other. It’s quite entertaining, relatable but extremely therapeutic. They have given themselves the chance to talk about the things that frustrate them, things that we might not have communicated to people when they were alive through fear of upsetting them. It allows them to say why they’re annoyed and to move on instead of allowing stuff to build up over time which may end up in a full blown argument for what started as a very little annoyance.

There will be some things that probably shouldn’t be said to a loved one’s face, but I really wish that I’d communicated better with Ben about some of the things that caused emotional pain during our 18 years together and especially the undelivered communications of love on the morning he passed, if I knew what was about to happen I would have said so much more. These things left me feeling consumed with regret. Fortunately, those things have now been delivered which have allowed me to move forward with my life and I no longer replay them over and over in my head.

So, if you find yourself agreeing with things that I’ve written about or know of someone that is struggling to let go of emotional pain, please get in touch because I can help.