Is happiness allowed in grief and loss?
Let’s set the scene. You’ve just suffered a significant loss. Your whole world has fallen apart. Hopes and dreams for the future have been snatched away. You’re grieving. You can’t see the light for the trees.
A little bit of time passes.
Coffee with a friend doesn’t always end in floods of tears. In fact, you may have a giggle with them. Then you stop yourself. GUILT! Not just guilt but WORRY! You feel guilty that you’ve found some happiness, that you shouldn’t because this is the most awful time of your life. You have no right to be happy again, do you?
You may be thinking why has she used the word ‘worry’? I’ll tell you what we worry about, or just one of the many things, we worry that the person we’re with will think we’re over it! We’re healed! We are laughing again so the pain must have gone! We’ve moved on!!
This is where the saying “time is a great healer” is a bit of a myth!
Ok, we may be laughing again but the grief stays. Forever.
Where am I going with this? I had a conversation with a client the other day and she said she was worried that people would think that she was ok because she was laughing again. It was a really good conversation as I was completely able to empathise with her. The truth is, we don’t want to be crying all the time and living in pit of self sorrow, we DO want to find happiness again. We DO want to laugh and joke with our friends and family but we don’t want people to think that we’re ‘over it’.
Our lives grow around our grief. The size of grief stays the same but we grow around it. I have been very fortunate to be able to work on my losses both with Jill and through the training I’ve done. Working on my loss has given me the tools to say goodbye to the pain of regrets and not preoccupy myself with the “future-that-will-never-be”. In fact, I have found the strength to open my heart to new beginnings. I have fallen in love all over again. BUT, this doesn’t mean that I’m ‘over Ben’s death’. And my partner will have no problems with me saying that I still love Ben and miss him. Also, if the people you surround yourself with think that it’s odd or wrong that you still think about your loved one and that you’re not ‘over it’ yet then are they the people you really want to be around? I don’t look at my children and think that they’re over their dad’s death because we had a fun day at the beach and didn’t say Ben’s name for a few hours. Or that they had pure joy on their faces when they opened their birthday presents and didn’t cry because their dad wasn’t here to sing happy birthday to them.
What am trying to say is, unless you’ve experienced a significant loss, it’s really hard to empathise with the conflicting feelings grievers have. What I’m also trying to say is, I really don’t think people forget that we are grieving, but I think they try and help us navigate our way to a new normal, a normal where we can be happy even with the sadness we carry inside. The best compliment I had this weekend, from a couple of lovely friends was that the happiness was radiating from me on the school run last week, that they could see the happiness in my eyes (because the eyes don’t lie). I know 100% that they don’t think I’m no longer grieving, but they are also there supporting me with my new normal. These are the people you need in your lives.
We need to spend less time worrying what people think, in fact their opinion is none of our business. You are allowed to be sad but you are also have the right to be happy, without the guilt or worry.
If you’re struggling to find happiness again, please get in touch, I’m here to help.